Review:

on 2011-04-16 CharlesMartel Said:

Early in 1997, four Charlatans were sitting in a recording studio somewhere in Manchester bemoaning their lack of success. As they are sitting in the room, tuning guitars and fiddling with their equipment, let us eavesdrop on their conversation.

Mark Collins begins by enquiring if anyone has any ideas for the new album they have to produce. The answer is a vacant stare from all the remaining Charlatans. The keyboard player has just left the band and there is a mood of despondency in the air. Several band members think the band is finished. But Collins continues -

"Look, we've been around now for half this bloody decade and we are still just fringe players. I mean, look at Blur and Oasis. They have got success, so what about us? Why can't we do something like them?"

No one has anything constructive to say but there is some mirth when bassist Martin Blunt suggests sacking the vocalist and get a loudmouth cockney git to do them instead, to which vocalist Tim Burgess retorts with a snappy insult, adding that a replacement bassist could be some coked out, big headed know-it-all. But before the session degenerates into insults, Collins restores order -

"Perhaps we should kick out the pair of you and get some female musicians in. They can't be any worse than you two clowns and at least they'd be a better shag".

At this point a record producer enters the room to be greeted by the glum faces of the band. He announces he has a great new idea for the next album and gets a mouthful of insults from all the band members.

But he persists -" no, I'm serious. I know it's all cool to think us record producers are just knob twiddlers but we've really got to do something with the next album because we are in danger of being left behind as Britpop bands like Blur and Oasis march on to fame and fortune".

Horror crosses the faces of the Charlatans. Does this guy want them to sound like Blur? No of course not - he wants them to sound like Oasis! This is not the news the band wanted to hear. But the record producer will not give up so easily. He reminds them that
"Oasis are just about the biggest thing out there now. They have sold millions of albums, they are adored by legions of fans. They have even been invited to 10 Downing Street to meet with the new Prime Minister, Tony Blair".

Blunt suddenly had a brainwave - seeing as Tony Blair used to be in a rock band perhaps the Charlatans could get him as a new vocalist. The observation drew a swift retort from Burgess, who unloaded both barrels of insults on the hapless bassist. But the band could see problems with the record producer's idea. They did not really want to sound like Oasis as they had their own style and were happy with it. But the record producer continued -

"OK. If you want to keep your own style, go ahead. You can continue playing dingy little venues like the Chipping Sodbury Arena if you will. But there's opportunity out there, lads, I'm telling you. And it is too good to pass up. The masses can't get enough of Oasis and all we have to do is fill the gap, give them want they want. If we don't do it, someone else will".

Guffaws of laughter erupted among the band when one suggested under his breath that perhaps Oasis might be the band to carry that through. It was only when the record producer threatened the band with cancellation of the record contract they had that the band began to take it more seriously. The band then began to discuss more seriously how they might actually sound like Oasis. They came in for some pretty harsh criticism from the record producer who felt that the lyrics they had written for the new album were not up to much and those that were had problems all of their own. Someone had spelt out "Norf Cunt-tree Buoy" as one of the song titles and apparently did not realise that was not the correct spelling.

But the most practical advice was directed at Burgess who was advised to sing more like Liam Gallagher. He practiced and soon managed to sing the words "with no shoes" in the inimitable Gallagher style - through his nose while pinching his backside "weeth nu sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuws." Difficulties were seen when it came to singing the whole album like that. For one thing Burgess complained that pinching his arse throughout an entire set would be a bit painful. More insults broke out when Blunt suggested he should try sticking the guitar up his arse instead. Once again it was left to the record producer to restore some sanity. He gave them all copies of tapes her had made of Oasis and told them all to go home and come back when they had learnt to imitate the style of the band completely.

The scene now shifts a couple of weeks fast forward. Once again, we are a fly-on-the wall in the Charlatans recording studio. The band have just finished rehearsing when the record producer asks them how the new style feels. There is general agreement that it seems to be working with Burgess even commenting that he was feeling himself wanting to adopt the same smug arrogant bastard stance that Gallagher does when he is on stage.

The record producer reassured them - they were indeed becoming a true Oasis clone. He suggested that they should throw in a couple of non-Oasis sounding tracks, just to let the public know when they bought the CD they hadn't mistakenly picked up "What's the Story Morning Glory". But the band's propensity for stupid ideas came out when someone suggested getting in a female vocalist to replace Burgess, a statement which was greeted with yet more insults and abuse.

And so we leave the Charlatans as they record their new album. Now we have gained a deep insight into how a rock band works and more particularly, how the Charlatans came to sound like weak clones of Oasis.
Rating: 5/10